Psychic Powers
At our veterinary hospital we try our best to keep up with new developments in medicine and technology in order to provide the best care possible for our patients and clients. That is why I am intrigued by a new device that has apparently become available on the market that, when integrated into our businesses phone system, allows the person who answers the phone to instantly diagnose and give accurate recommendations for treatment of any medical problem simply by the use of psychic powers. Just think how my receptionists will jump for joy when they are informed that a client’s dog has diarrhea, and are asked what they can do to fix it. Instead of the tedious process of recommending that the patient come in so that diagnostics can be performed in order to identify the specific cause of the diarrhea, and only then being able to produce appropriate treatment for that particular problem, they will be able to say “Your dog has whipworms,(or gastrointestinal lymphoma, or leptospira, or giardia…) Let me pull up the medication that will fix that for you and you can come by at your convenience to pick it up”. For an additional fee the psychic phone diagnosis equipment comes with an accessory magic wand feature--really it is more like a button than a wand--that allows a receptionist to fix whatever problem a patient may have without having to have any medication dispensed or any procedures performed. Apparently it even works on cases where old fashioned medicine can’t seem to improve the situation. Unfortunately, when I looked into acquiring them, I found that these products are priced well out of the reach of the average veterinary hospital. In fact I don’t think that most well-funded human medical facilities even have this equipment yet, so at least for now my receptionists are still going to have to resort to the ancient technique of scheduling appointments so that the doctor can look at the patients instead.
Even without special phone equipment I find that many clients are hopeful that at least their veterinarian got basic training in psychic powers 101 during vet school. I have a confession to make. In my junior year of vet school we had 8 hours of lecture five days a week for the first two months of both semesters. If the coffee was strong enough I could usually stay alert through the first four hours, and after a break for lunch I was able to hold on for the first afternoon lecture, but when that 2:00 lecture hit I, and almost all of my classmates, lost consciousness for an hour every day. After waking up refreshed from my nap I was usually good for the last two hours of lecture. Now, looking back on those days I cannot for the life of me remember what that class was between radiology and theriogenology in the afternoon and I am beginning to suspect that it may have been introductory and advanced veterinary psychic powers. That hampers me in my career, because instead of just immediately knowing what the problem is I am stuck doing more cumbersome things like physical exams and diagnostic tests to figure out what is going on with a patient. Believe me, when an angry cat suddenly performs a triple axel, causing him to closely resemble a cuisinart food processor I am silently thinking to myself “Why, why, why did I have to fall asleep in that one class. If I had just paid attention I would not have to stick my hand into the cuisinart to get the answer”. It is too late now and I am stuck with the more prosaic tools of the trade, and so are my other laggardly colleagues who did not drink coffee at lunchtime their junior year in vet school. So bear with us folks, we still do a reasonable job at diagnosing and treating our patients, but we will still have to look at them and touch them to get it right.
